The Stratification of IVF

     A couple of weeks ago I was perusing the interwebz for some infertility blogs and came across something that made me particularly stabby. A blogger (I can't remember who or else I would totally call her out) waxed poetic about how painful infertility has been for her. I totally empathized. In fact, I applauded her candor. She spoke about how she was jealous of pregnant friends, the pain of being the odd woman out, and the desperation she felt. She even went so far as to admit that she sometimes wished her friends would miscarry. It's a horrifying thought, but I applauded her bravery in stating that as I think many of us have had those same thoughts - not because we want anything bad to happen, but because misery loves company and sometimes it's satisfying to see someone else struggle so you aren't the only one. I gave her credit for her openness.

     She totally had me at 'hello.' until I saw that that bitch got knocked up her first fucking cycle of IVF. What the EVERLOVING FUCK does she know about pain?! Hopelessness? Desperation?

     In my opinion - not a damn thing.

     She posted that blog entry a couple of years ago, so I immediately clicked to her home page to get the latest updates. And guess what?! She was pregnant AGAIN on her second cycle. Oh bitch please.

     She knows nothing about the pain of infertility because she hasn't had a failed cycle. Hell, she hasn't had multiple failed cycles. Until you get to that point, you don't really know the horror of infertility. I'm not trying to be a bitch, and I'm certainly not trying to play the pain Olympics because that doesn't get anyone anywhere, but still.

     I've come to realize that for some, IVF is the Golden Ticket. It works all the time, 100% of the time. For others, IVF is the beginning of another long, painful road. And in that realization, I've begun to understand that the pain of infertility is doled out via a stratification system. We can all agree that it sucks badly to get to the point of needing IVF, but I hope we can also agree that it sucks even worse to need three, four, five or more cycles to have a baby compared to those who need one.

     What made this particular blogger worse, is that not only has she gotten knocked the fuck up twice in two transfers, but she has enough frozen embryos left over to start a small country. Fuck her. Try being on IVF #3 with fewer embryos to my name over three cycles than she got in her one damn shot.

     I'm not trying to minimize anyone's pain, I'm just trying to show that it is different, and likely more painful to be walking down my path. I've also come to realize that people who get pregnant on their first cycle of IVF tend to make me angrier than the "normies" who get pregnant the good ol' fashioned way. I think its because I feel so far removed from the normal procreators that their fertility doesn't offend me as much anymore (unless they make stupid comments about infertility, in which case they get a swift mental punch in the throat from me), yet those doing IVF are on a more even playing field than me and their success just highlights my failures even amongst the infertiles. And if you got pregnant by IUI? Good gracious you are pretty much fertile in my mind.

     I was so angry reading that post. I almost felt as if she had no right to feel what she was feeling because she ended up getting what she wanted, and getting it easily. Yet here I am, far deeper down the shit hole than she will ever be, and I haven't gotten my happy ending, and quite frankly, strongly doubt I ever will.

     I know I'm inappropriately minimizing the feelings she had that prompted her to write that blog entry, but for that I am not sorry. She got her happy ending. Now where is mine?