The Calm After the Storm

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      IVF is a giant, fucked up roller coaster ride of emotions. At first, you are super excited to try something new. Then reality sets in that several weeks of your life will ultimately culminate in one stupid test and you start to freak out. The other part of  the equation is that unless you are one of the 30-40% who get pregnant the first cycle you do IVF, have 434333 frozen embryos and generally swim through IVF, you wind up going up shits creek without a paddle each and every cycle. As I am thoroughly up shits creek enduring a shitstorm, I'm going to focus on the unlucky group of us who struggle through IVF.

IVF has taught me to never be too optimistic, no matter how great things are going, because inevitably, your infertility will find a way to fuck you up at some point. Case-in-point, my first cycle, I left my monitoring appointments balling my eyes out over how few follicles I had, yet the cycle ended on an upswing when we retrieved 7 eggs and had 4 fertilize. We had a downswing again when I ended up needing a 3 day transfer, but up-swinged when it was a really excellent embryo. That cycle resulted in the biggest kick to the balls yet when I got my motherfucking period two days before beta. That sucked so bad, and while I thought I dealt with it well, I didn't. It really demolished me.

IVF #2 was sure to bring great things as we were moving on to an estrogen priming protocol (EPP) for poor responders. The stimming process went awesome. I got my period unexpectedly early (which was very exciting since IVF is so much of a hurry-up-and-wait process) and I started stims as we went on a weekend away in the mountains. My estrogen levels and follicle counts were a bit higher this cycle and I set my sights on retrieving 10 eggs. The downswing was when we retrieved 7 eggs again (WTF?!?!?) and only 3 fertilized. When I heard that, I lost my shit. Having learned a thing or two from the previous cycle (and after threatening to not attend transfer), we transferred two embryos on day 3 - an excellent 8-cell and an average 10-cell. Unfortunately, that resulted in a chemical pregnancy, which was actually super exciting to me as I never thought I would get pregnant ever and I did. 

I can't really adequately explain the depression I fell into at some point in this process. After 6 months of testing alone, followed by two IVF cycles and no baby in sight, my body and mind finally had enough and we succumbed to infertility. I finally realized that I had been fighting this path that I'm on, and it resulted in so much anger and resentment - mostly focused on those who were fertile, and then on those for which IVF worked immediately. Accepting infertility really helped to change things up for me. A therapist, mind/body group and acupuncture also do their fair share in keeping me (somewhat) sane as I exist in this infertility limbo until next cycle. 

What has helped you endure this battle?