Heartbreak

 I have a really good friend who just had a baby, R. She was my roommate in college, and a bridesmaid in my wedding. And she just had a baby. Another friend of mine who has a child.

Her and her husband tried for about 9 months. She was a bit impatient and ran off to her Ob after trying for 6 months, and when she heard she had ovarian cysts, she then ran to the RE. She went straight to IUI as her husband has a very slight morphology issue, and had a chemical pregnancy. The next month, bam, they were pregnant on their own.

I would love to say I was super happy for her, but I wasn't. I'm not angry, either, but my feelings regarding almost everything in my life are muted at this point. I couldn't bear the idea of attending her baby shower in November as it was being held 2 days after I was going to find out the result from IVF #2. Its safe to say that this general time period was also the peak of my depression and anger related to infertility.

At some point I began to accept that I'm on this shitty, shitty road and started feeling better. So, in an effort to try to be a halfway decent friend, I stayed involved in her pregnancy. She gave birth Sunday and myself and another friend went to see them at the hospital. I even dragged myself to the baby section of Target to pick out some cute outfits, deep breathing the entire time, and blinking back tears. I kept repeating to myself to not think about what I was doing so I could keep my shit together.

It was great to see them and meet the baby, but holy shit it was hard. As I held him in my arms, I tried to image what it would be like to be holding my own child, and felt a profound sadness as I stumbled upon the same fear that I've mulled over in my mind for years now: what if this never happens for me? What if I can't have a baby?

I envied her so much today. I even envied the childless friend I was with as she's still full of hope and excitement as she embarks on trying to conceive with her husband. And she has every right to be hopeful - she will very likely get pregnant easily and have a healthy baby - most likely, she'll accomplish that before I do.

I'm hoping so hard that it hurts, and I'm so sick of the pain.